At 6pm right before bedtime I am struck with some deep questions that I have no answers for. The biggest one is this “Is it possible to be so burned by your past that you never can move on?”
My instant response to that is NO WAY. You can always find a way to move on from hurt and pain and betrayal and learn to love again right?
“Yes” says my mind and my heart…so then why is it so hard for me to do that right now.
I try daily to move past everything and give 100% to Mr. New but sometimes it’s really, really stinking hard to do. No matter how sweet he is (he really is very sweet) and so wonderful, I still find it so difficult.
Don’t get me wrong–I have come leaps and bounds from where I was with him ..still it’s not where I want to be and I don’t really fault myself that much for it.
I think after a certain number of burns you just develop a shell around yourself. He’s wonderful and sweet and caring and trusting etc BUT..so was everyone else in the beginning…so how do I distinguish him from the rest?
I keep thinking that I am going so slow that he will eventually give up and move on. This is literally the slowest I have gone in any relationship in my life and I cannot imagine any other way of doing it at this point.
Deep down I know that if he were to just move on then he would not be the right one for me. Right now I need a patient, gentle man who understands that deep down raw painful spot in my gut and gently works to build that trust up again.
I am moving at a snails pace and any faster would not be fair to myself or anyone else for that matter.
I can only hope that he proves to be different from the rest…otherwise I just may have lost faith in all mankind forever! Good thing I can still lose myself in books!
I am also lucky to have amazing friends who are always there for me! I cannot thank them enough!!!
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This post was written by nchughtai on July 15, 2012
You are smart to move slowly. What’s the rush?
Like you say, how can you tell if he’s REALLY different from the rest of them? Only time will tell, Natasha!
Natasha, I have been reading your blog for so long, thank you for sharing your life with us. I know where you are coming from. I have been married for 26 years to the most wonderful man. I am so blessed and I wanted to share a few things I have learned along the way. First and most importantly, is you have to let go of all the other hurts others have caused you. Please dont make him pay for other men’s mistakes. Give him a chance until he does something to cause you to not trust. As humans, we always hurt those we love, not always intentional. My husband and I started out as friends, and we are best friends to this day. Romance comes and goes, it is the deeper, everyday things that bond you to another. He sounds like he is understanding and willing to wait. Just dont let yourself be so caught up in the past, that you are afraid of the future. Live in the moment and talk things through. Sounds like you have a keeper.
Kris, you gave Natasha such good advice. I have been married for 40 years and yes, we too started out as good friends. Letting go of past hurts is very important and it does take time. Time is the key!
Natasha, I think you are so used to being hurt that you do have walls up and waiting for the heart ache to happen again. You aren’t used to the good in a person. Everyone deserves a first chance. Unless you totally don’t have a connection with this new person. If him sticking around is making you nuts tell him to back off a while and see if the absence really does make the heart grow fonder. You have already had heart ache why not have butterflies for a while
You don’t look back…you look forward!
I know I am few days late, but I do believe you can be soo burned by your past that you can’t move on. That is what I am dealing with now. So I have put walls up and won’t let anyone in again. But good luck to you in the future in this area. Good luck with Mr. New too.
Time heals all things. It truly does. Trouble is, trying to figure out how much time one has to wait is the million dollar question. My ex-wife cheated on me. I was devastated. Neither one of us had been with another person so I always felt that we had something really special. We ended up getting a divorce. I waited over ten years before I felt comfortable enough to remarry. Then one day I came home from work and my second wife informed me that she wanted a divorce. She had never married before and never had any children. I on the other hand did have children from my first marriage. This was the cause of our marriage to break up. Several times during our marriage she tried to get me to turn my back on my children. I wouldn’t do it. Finally I told her that if I had to pick between her or my children, I told her that I would always choose my children. I didn’t think that her feelings were justified and I had my children long before I had met her. I also told her that if she had problems with the fact that I had children then why did we start seeing each other to begin with. Needless to say, it will be a really long time before I would even consider getting remarried, if I would ever get to that point in another relationship. So trust your heart, think with your head, and remember that time heals all things. Just don’t try to force the healing thing!!!