At 6pm right before bedtime I am struck with some deep questions that I have no answers for. The biggest one is this “Is it possible to be so burned by your past that you never can move on?”
My instant response to that is NO WAY. You can always find a way to move on from hurt and pain and betrayal and learn to love again right?
“Yes” says my mind and my heart…so then why is it so hard for me to do that right now.
I try daily to move past everything and give 100% to Mr. New but sometimes it’s really, really stinking hard to do. No matter how sweet he is (he really is very sweet) and so wonderful, I still find it so difficult.
Don’t get me wrong–I have come leaps and bounds from where I was with him ..still it’s not where I want to be and I don’t really fault myself that much for it.
I think after a certain number of burns you just develop a shell around yourself. He’s wonderful and sweet and caring and trusting etc BUT..so was everyone else in the beginning…so how do I distinguish him from the rest?
I keep thinking that I am going so slow that he will eventually give up and move on. This is literally the slowest I have gone in any relationship in my life and I cannot imagine any other way of doing it at this point.
Deep down I know that if he were to just move on then he would not be the right one for me. Right now I need a patient, gentle man who understands that deep down raw painful spot in my gut and gently works to build that trust up again.
I am moving at a snails pace and any faster would not be fair to myself or anyone else for that matter.
I can only hope that he proves to be different from the rest…otherwise I just may have lost faith in all mankind forever! Good thing I can still lose myself in books!
I am also lucky to have amazing friends who are always there for me! I cannot thank them enough!!!
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This post was written by nchughtai on July 15, 2012