One of our stories today feels like deja vu for lots of people. Your whole family gathers for the holidays, hoping to share good food and good company. But all that falls apart when someone launches into a difficult conversation. Sometimes, it’s a conversation about hard decisions ahead for family members. Sometimes, it’s a conversation about an old wound that never really healed. And sometimes, it’s just sibling rivalry rearing its ugly head after all those years.
Experts tell us the time for these difficult conversations is not over Thanksgiving turkey and trimmings or while the kids are opening Christmas presents. Some of them advocate having that conversation today - a couple of days ahead of Thanksgiving. The theory goes that clearing the air now will lead to happier, less stressful holidays for everyone.
Now, we’d like to hear from you. Tell us about a difficult conversation that took place during a holiday in your family. How did it turn out? What did you learn from the experience? Did the experience convince you to save those conversations for some other time? Post your story in the comment section. But do it before Thursday. We wouldn’t want to contribute to anything but happiness on Thanksgiving.
Jon Okerstrom
News Director
Posted under Viewers Sound Off
This post was written by jjarvis on November 20, 2007
In regards to the Iafathers.com story: The group is filled with felons, fathers that prefer not to work so that the child support will be minimal, that included the founder Bryan Iehl, and there are also some members without a known address. Mr. Iehl lives off of his family, which included living in free housing provided by a number of family members, works for the family business and receives “perks” that cannot be counted as income to be used for his childs support, and does not take care of any of the insurance costs for his child. He is a cult leader, I know, I was a member of the group until his true personality and reason for the group came out to anyone who was willing to look below the surface and ask the right questions.
Thanks for your comment, Daniel.
It’s really not related to the topic, but worthy of some consideration for follow-up. Clearly, parental rights is a hot-button issue. We get tons of feedback when we do stories on fathers’ rights.
Jon Okerstrom
News Director
Worst Holiday was the last Christmas with my mother. She was resting on my sister’s couch much of the day Christmas 2005, ate very little and that was only to appease my father. She would have been happy with a few sips of her Ensure, but the holiday was filled with food, family and fun of which she felt compelled to partake as much as possible. She was one who worried about other’s feelings. She would at least “try” what others brought to the table, as a gesture of appreciation of their hard work. Her theory was “if the food wasn’t gone, (or in her case, tasted) it wasn’t going to be on the menu next Christmas. December 26th she entered the hospital early that morning for the last time.
She passed with as much dignity as possible on December 30th. This was the precurser to this years Christmas, you see my father passed just 14 months after mom. The family fun, food, laughter future memories are gone for me with my siblings and their families.
As a child of five siblings, me being the youngest with a degree in Human Services as well as being a Registered Nurse, had (as we all did) the opportunity to be with my parents prior to their death. I also had the knowledge and experience of the progression of the illnesses each of my parents had. I took the time to talk with them about their past, what the deathing experience was like for them, their fears and gathered as much information as possible. For this I am grateful. For this is the way we need to treat death, openly, honestly and fear it not….
I encouraged my siblings to do the same, they chose not to and thusly coming from a “shame/blame” family, “one has to be blamed because of the shame of irresponsibility of emotions, specifically anger.” What I hear most often is…”I didn’t get a chance to…” my response to this is “well yes everyone gets a chance to whatever…” it’s given to us on a daily basis. We just choose not to… pick up the phone, go over to the person’s home or say “I love you” with flowers, a small token of appreciation or perhaps ask for forgiveness and so on. Take the time!
When my siblings (as is true with the general public) realized “it was too late” and were slapped in the face with, “yes you did have a chance, you just chose not to” then this creates guilt when a person passes thusly, shame comes from the guilt by not taking responsibility for the actions or lack thereof creates shame, then anger ensues because of the shame, then we must blame others. Again, not taking responsibility for the emotions….
Through all of this self pity (grieving) I have come to realize that family is what you make it. I have children (2), I have grandchildren (3)I have a loving husband and his mother as supports, I have a few select friends, so why is this not enough? Why was “the family” (siblings) so important to me? Why do I choose to feel sad when I think of my siblings? Being the youngest, I had the least amount of time with my parents, but, I gained the most from them. I gained valuation of human life over money, objects, property. So, Christmas future will be brightened with insights and understandings of humanity as a whole. I have gained understanding of myself…
With all of this said, pity me not, pity those who choose not to take responsibility for emotions, actions and inactions….